Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
