last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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