Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
