please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
