U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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