The maid of honor just puked.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
