I want to make a zoo with you.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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