I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
