I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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