headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
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