dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
