I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
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