Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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