John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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