we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
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