bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
