this beer tastes like vomit already
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
There's even glitter on my cock...
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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