Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
