This is not my ceiling
i think my mom watched the whole time
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
