Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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