Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
