I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize