So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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