hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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