when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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