He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
