Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
