I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
