I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
