good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I have feelings that need drinking.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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