Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
