Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
