I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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