Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
