Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
