At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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