it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
