so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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