I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
