Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
