Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
