1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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