so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I just gift wrapped bread.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
