An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
