Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
