he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
