My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
