I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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