Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
