I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
