some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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