I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
