pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
