This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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