I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
