I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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