I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
