i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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