Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
