How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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