So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
so that wasnt chicken after all
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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