and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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