You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
