I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
